Dependent

"No man is an island." (from Meditation XVII by poet John Donne).

I've been married for seven years, and I am beginning to notice a disturbing trend. I can't seem to find anything any more. With increasing frequency, I am having to ask my wife where I can find a lot of the little things I used to have no difficulty finding. Since I am only 40, I am doubtful that dementia or senility is settling in. I seem to have no problem managing my classroom and finding what I need there, but at home, things are entirely different. It causes me to be suspicious.

Is this a game wives learn to play to make their men more dependent upon them? Is there some "secret code of the wife" from which they learn to wear down their men and subdue them into some form of domesticated submission? I don't know if this is a darker, feminine consipiracy or if this is just the way it is supposed to be. I used to make fun of those sniveling old men who seem led around with a leash by their wives of 40 years. You know...the ones who would instantly revert to caveman status because of their inability to cook or dress -- emasculated shadows of their former selves. Now, I am beginning to understand how that could happen!

I was single a whole lot longer than I've been married, and I functioned quite well in that environment. I managed my home, cooked great food, did my own laundry, matched my clothes, and -- more importantly -- knew where everything was at. I was in control. These days, whenever someone asks where they can find something in our kitchen, I refer them to Brenda. Three weeks ago, I needed to run something through the wash. I stood in front of the washing machine for 5 minutes staring at the buttons and lights wondering when washers went digital and not knowing what to do. Fortunately, our 17-year old came by and saved me (much to his delight).

I feel much less "in control" than I used to be. In our American vernacular, the word "dependency" carries with it some fairly negative connotations. From the time we are young, the themes of individualism, independence, and personal liberty are held before us as some of our highest virtues. In my opinion, these pursuits in their extreme have produced in us a barbaric aloneness and pagan individualism that has left many of us adrift in the sea of isolation. I see the affects of isolation sickness all around me -- among the students I teach, among my neighbors walking down the street, and even in those sitting in the pew nearby.

I say "barbaric" because this individualism strips men (and women) of community, transparency, and belonging that sustains healthy living and offers necessary support. Isolation tears a person down and has been used as a weapon against POW's and inmates to coerce conformity or interrogate. Aloneness is dehumanizing.

I say "pagan" because I don't believe that rugged individualism is the Way of Christ. I see no where in the scriptures that we are to "go it alone". Our faith is expressed in community, and our faith leads us to care for our community. Even the Trinity -- God himself -- is a model for us of identity, kinship, dependency, and love. We are created for God, and we are created for one another.

I am enjoying this shared life, free of power-struggles and a diminishing self-reliance. I appreciate my growing dependency on those in my family and community of faith which somehow also reflects my growing dependency on God. I was independent by necessity and circumstance; I'm dependent by the grace of God!