Contorted Relationships

Contorted: twisted back on itself.

The effects of broken relationship are obvious. It's not rocket science to detect when someone has come through any sort of abuse or rejection or felt the sting of adulterous relationships or divorce. I see the violent effects of broken relationships all around me, and, to be honest with you, I am always amazed that some of the people I work with are able to keep it together at all. The amount of violence and dysfunction in their lives is simply overwhelming at times.

However, not all brokenness in families or communities is as apparent. Through the years, I've worked with a number of kids who come from "intact" families but still seem to suffer from the same level of dysfunction as those kids who have come through abuse, divorce, etc. Having grown up in a broken family myself, I guess I carried some assumptions about families in which the mom and dad still lived under the same roof. The appearance of togetherness was, for me, coupled with the assumption of family health.

These subtle, contorted relationships often result in one of two outcomes:

1. Feeling Suffocated. In some families, members are not allowed their own individuality and are occasionally prevented from being themselves. They are expected to conform to all family norms and are prevented from "coming under the influence" of others. Often, they possess no identity except that of the group. These people often feel suffocated, suppressed, or dominated by one or both parents. Those who can, flee.

The second one is the opposite.

2. Feeling Isolated. There are many who have grown up feeling disconnected from their family, at times feeling alone in the crowd. These people long for connection and community but instead have been orphaned emotionally and lack deep, meaningful relationships with their family members. Their isolation causes many of them to simply fade away or search for community elsewhere.

Too much family or too little family.

Suffocation or isolation.

What is usually true in families is often true in communities (and particularly, in churches). I've seen the same sort of suffocation and isolation within the walls of the Christian community and have witnessed its devastating effects on the lives of people. Suffocation in families is usually the result of over-controlling parents and the use of excessive guilt, manipulation, and coercion to keep "it all together". The same can be said of suffocating churches. Leaders can be domineering and controlling, employing the tactics of shame, guilt, and manipulation to keep the flock "under their care" and conforming to standards. Often, members are denied their own individuality and giftedness because all they do has to run past the filtering eye of the leader. In addition, some churches have placed the expectation on their people that they must withdraw from friends outside the church (all in their best interest, of course).

It's insideous.

On the other hand, those who quietly suffer with loneliness and isolation within families usually lack the deep, connected, meaningful relationships with one or both parents. They simply exist as disconnected strangers in the family unit. The same thing can happen when our communities of faith are little more than a gathering of strangers. Those who long for meaningful connection with the Father also long for meaningful connection with the children of the Father. When our communities of faith are inauthentic, people can feel the same sense of disconnectedness among the Body of Christ as they do outside it. Formally or informally, the effects of shunning (exclusion) can be devastating.

It makes sense that we would see broken and contorted relationships both in and out of church. We all carry around with us our own levels of brokenness. The ones who deny that they are a bit broken are the ones that worry me the most! Those communities of faith who obsess over the appearance of togetherness and sweep the modest bits under the rug miss out on the joy of living in a sloppy community of faith that integrates the mercy of God into every relationship. I love serving at the intersection of the tangible mercy of God and the reality of the human condition.

It's the mercy of God and the love of God's people that should make our communities of faith a bit different.